Olive: Born by CS in July 2010 at Mercy in Des Moines

Olive was 'due' July 1, 2009, but everyone I knew was having babies early and even prematurely, so I was sure she was coming early too. Twice in the month of June we went to the hospital because I wanted to make sure my amniotic sac hadn't sprung a small leak (turns out I probably just peed my pants:). One of those times was as we were leaving a hotel room in Minneapolis the day after I was in my good friend Katrina's wedding at 36 or 37 weeks- that whole trip back to Des Moines I kept debating whether or not we should go get checked out and we ended up going. Pretty much the whole last 3 weeks of June I had contractions here and there, and being new to the whole pregnancy thing, I just knew that meant our baby would be joining us soon. My mom, Ryan and I went to see the movie, Angels and Demons and I had contractions the whole way through the movie- I definitely had a hard time paying attention, but by the end of the movie they had stopped, and I was disappointed once again. I was so sure that Olive was coming any day, in fact, that I decided to stop working exactly on my due date, even though I hadn't been working at DMU long enough to qualify for FMLA, so I was only going to have 8 weeks of maternity leave. Mistake #1.

July 1st came and went, and there I was at home, taking my precious time off, and I had no baby. I hadn't done much research about birthing, but I knew enough that I didn't want to major abdominal surgery, and I also knew that being induced often led to a c-section, but after a week without a baby, I agreed. We checked into Mercy hospital at 7AM on July 8th and I really don't know much about the time anything else happened, until she was born. I think by 830AM they had ruptured my amniotic sac, and then I put on my sneakers and Ryan and I started walking the halls. I have no idea when I started having contractions, but I do know they led to lots of time sitting on the toilet having pretty loose stools (I had no idea that was going to happen!) And again, now it's been almost two years and I don't remember the order in which the rest of the events occurred- I had pitocin, fentanyl, and agreed to an epidural, all before I was 4cm dilated. I remember asking if it was too early for an epidural, but of course they assured me it wasn't. I also think that this all happened before noon, so I don't think I had much time before they started in on the pitocin.

After the epidural I felt awesome. My back had been hurting quite a bit throughout the end of my pregnancy and lying down just hurt, so I had a grand time lying in bed and reading without any pain. It must have been around 4pm when Dr. Fagerland came in a said I wasn't really progressing (I think I had made it to 5cm, barely, after about 7-8 hours of labor) and I should probably consider a c-section. I was so surprised and disappointed. I remember asking if we couldn't just wait, and they said we could wait, but it probably wouldn't help, and besides, the baby's head was wedged in my cervix and getting a conehead. So they let me have another hour or so, and then he breezed in again and really quite coldly said it was time. I bawled. I was soooo upset, but in the moment, without much knowledge behind my decisions, I agreed. It should also be said that Dr. Fagerland had been one of my favorite OB's in prenatal care... I remember thinking he was pretty unfriendly, though, once he met me in the hospital.

So into the OR we went, me crying, my mom crying and the whole nine yards. Ryan came into the OR with me and held my hand and stood so he could see over the curtain and watch the whole surgery and delivery. I felt pressure, and it was weird to think that that pressure was them cutting me open and pulling my baby out. At 613pm some nurse said 'it's a girl!' and then Ryan went over and watched while they did all the cleaning up and newborn screening and I just laid there helplessly, and maybe even feeling a little detached, from across the room. Ryan brought her over to show me, but I don't think I even got to touch her for a couple of hours. Then he and Olive left to the nursery and I laid by myself getting stitched up, and then taken to recovery to again hang out by myself for a couple of hours. There are pictures of Ryan and my mom holding her before I did and I definitely am jealous about those photos. And there is another picture of Ryan changing her first diaper while I laid, still temporarily paralyzed in my twin sized bed again, watching. I feel like I was an observer in the birth of my sweet baby girl, and not a participant.

After she was born the whole cascade of interventions and this leads to that continued. They decided she had lost too much weight and gave her formula and I saw how easy it was to give her a bottle. Breast feeding hurt like crazy and by day 5 I gave it up in the middle of the night when there was blood on my cracked areola. I continued to pump for 2 months, but that was probably even harder on me. I remember not feeling all that attached to her at the beginning and I wondered if it was just because she was a stranger, but now I look back and wonder how much of it had to do with having the c-section. Prior to being pregnant with her I walked 5 miles 4 or 5 times per week, and I worked hard to be up to a mile 3 weeks after she was born. I look back and think that a lot of the difficulty I had with breast feeding and the subsequent diagnosis of post-partum depression (a whole year later) probably started with the c-section.

In April of the following year I happened to come to an ICAN meeting hoping to network and hear a presentation about pelvic floor rehab, and I remember seeing the fliers about VBAC and the facts about cesareans and that got me planning the VBAC for my current, second pregnancy. Since I had that first disappointing birth experience, I want to make sure that I am fully prepared for this second one. I want to be a participant in the birth of my son. I want to make informed decisions. If I end up with another cesarean, I want to know it was absolutely necessary and not just because it was dinner time.